It's Just a Trick!

So I’m starting to think that this retirement thing is over-rated and a conspiracy. There just seems to be no end of things to do or places to be and people to talk to… and you all know how much I enjoy socializing!

What I’m feeling is that when I was working full time there was always a cut-off point for the day when I could theoretically walk away from the job and declare the few remaining hours my own. It was time to get out of the store and head over to the house to grab a bite to eat, watch TV, read a book or whatever else pleased a person. Now it’s “after hours” all the time and without some kind of clear division in the day I’m slowly getting lost.

I have loads of things to do from updating web sites, answering emails, calling Watkins clients and prospective associates, mailing out catalogues, keeping track of my eBay auctions and yes… housecleaning. Since I’m home full time and Gloria has decided to work a few more years I have started doing the dishes, cooking and baking, tidying the house, washing the occasional window and even cleaning the bathroom! All this is much to her dismay sometimes and I’m sure my work isn’t always up to her standards but it seems to me that after her taking care of me for the past 30+ years it’s time I give something back if I can. (Can't depend on those beer-goggles to last forever can we fellas!)

Anyway, back to topic. I think I’m going to have to treat my day’s activities as more of a job than I have been the past few months. Those 35 years of daily routine bred something into me that just won’t go away and without something that I can treat as “work” there is no break-out to “down time” or time for myself when I can feel relaxed and content with a day well done. Each day just seems to go by the same from dawn to dusk and it's getting monotonous. Does that seem confusing? It does to me… but this is Day 137 of retirement and it’s starting to get to me!

Late Saturday... or is it early Sunday?

In a rut… and I didn’t even realize it. I guess all the snow over the past couple weeks got me down a bit, that plus the seasonal BS and a few other things. However things are looking up tonight all thanks to a little rain. Yesterday morning I was shoveling snow over a five foot bank beside the driveway and now I can actually see grass in a couple places. It started raining last night, has continued all day today and is supposed to end sometime tomorrow and in the meantime I’ve been…

…recharging with a little Led Zeppelin, a little Guns ‘n Roses, some Doors, Eric Clapton and just a touch of Frank Zappa thrown in for flavor. Mix in with that some mellow Diana Krall, Martha Wainwright and Bessie Smith along with a good series of Norah Jones tunes and there’s not much finer on a rainy evening. Life is very good right now… would you care to join me on the deck for a cigar and single malt a little later? I’ll be waiting…

Who cares?

Well over a month ago I lost my watch. I know it’s around the house here somewhere but… who cares? I haven’t needed it and I don’t miss it so I’m not going to bother replacing it. Sure I still have a few things that have to be done at certain times but my trusty Palm Pilot reminds me whenever I’m supposed to be somewhere or doing something important. I think it’s great that those events are few and far between and I like it that way.

Where is the pleasure in not having to work if you are worrying about what time it is all day long? I get up in the morning when it starts to get light and I go to bed when I feel like it with no obligations or worries.

Ah yes, retirement is good... I should have done it years ago!

December 16th: Watch found, mixed in with my Watkins inventory.

December 28th: Still haven't needed my watch. Think I'll just throw it away.

(Photo under Creative Commons License)

Can't let go...

It seems to me that I still haven't quite given up and let go. A part of me is still back in the stores working away. I say this because my Palm Pilot (my magic memory machine) still pops up each and every Saturday with a weekly reminder of what reports are due this week. I can tell you that today I should have sent in the Variance Report for Week 38 and that the Payroll Reports should also have been forwarded for processing. Why haven't I deleted these memory joggers from my system yet?

I have no idea. Am I afraid of cutting the last ties from that part of my life? Do I actually think that I might break down and go back to work some day and need to have this information available? I sincerely hope that the latter is not the reason.

No, I think I'll plead to a form of inertia. The 60 hour work weeks are gone, the living out of a suitcase is gone, the waiting for an email containing the instructions for my next assignment is gone but... There is this hesitation over removing the last link to my 35 year history.

Maybe next week I'll have the courage to erase these last remainders and move one. The future is out there, I'll overcome and find it soon, dont' worry about it, I'm not.

November 2, 2008 Update: I just deleted all my weekly references to reports that are due when, how and where. Whew... glad that's finally over!

What is to be?

It’s just occurred to me that what I’m looking today is the rest of my life…

I am now retired… I have no further obligations in a working and contributing sort of way and feeling. I don’t HAVE to get up tomorrow, I don’t HAVE to be in the store by 8:00 to make sure we’re ready to open at 10:00 staff or not. I don’t HAVE to be ready for the truck/plane/ship/barge to be here at 10:15, I don’t HAVE to listen for the alarm or a knock/punch/bang/thump/breaking glass/shot in the middle of the night, I don’t HAVE to appear positive and gung-ho and smile for a lot of other people I don't really know. I must now be me… and it’s scares the hell out of me.

Have you ever had a 35 year long routine and responsibilities that ended overnight? What is my life to be, how can I matter, is there a purpose... I’m sure there must be but it will take me time to find, and I’m very lucky to have some great people to help me work through this time. I hope they are very patient…